Kids out for summer vacation ....Bryanna turned 4....!!!!!!!! having pain in my head

The boys passed in school Im so overwelmed with joy for there accomplishments...
On Tuesday was Avas birthday party at the bouncy house place  The kids had a blast even my sister lol..The kids had fun That was great to see i love to see them happy and smileing...

I decided I was a DR last week and stoped taking my steroids Didnt think i needed to take them anymore..after about 3 days of pain and more pain Alex insisted I take them I have been back on them for over a week now and the pain in  my head still hurts befor it was more of a discomfort pain now its Pain im getting headaches intense ones like befor i pass out but im not passing out ,headaches that go through my spine to my neck and pain is pulsing there for a few.wrote to the dr and no response just yet ..
My stress level has been really high the past 2 weeks between us all being sick tummy viruses ect.Ive been angry at my husband and I do mean ANGRY he seems to be lazier,more selfish,not willing to be involved in anything unless asked or should I say commanded or bribed  he speaks to me in a rude ness and tone never listening just not helping me I am having to cook,clean,shop,watch the kids,feed them ,shower the kids,, do laundry get my point.He stays in the room not giving a hoot to watch the kids unless they r screaming at eachother.Jennifer thinks I  can be nicer to him I look at it as I am always on duty he should be to.

I feel like I cant leave the house I had a DR appointment today that got cancled you think tthey would have called to tell me grrr ....anyway so I did a few few things on my list and stoped at my moms house ended up falling asleep for a little while ( Finally some peace  ) from Alex and stress.....Point being I feel like I cant leave the house I was gone a few hrs and come home to my sweet kids on the couch watching tv :)   garbage over flowing,bathroom has wet clothes and pee diapers everywhere,my room is up side down messy no bed made The room Jennifer and I worked so hard on not to bad ...I dont want to stress over it its cleanable I just feel all the time and effort and love and anger I put into organizing and cleaning someone would care enough to put it down pick it up enforce the kids to be accountable for there actions more I feel its me against 5 kids ..do I want to hug and craddle my kids YES but it will not help them in the future if I dont stay on top of them now... Yes im venting,No this is not a direct attack on anyone..I think maybe im not as bothered with the kids doing the mess as I am with the fact that Alex dont help much in cleaning or doing anything.Unless he sees me stressing

ANYWAY...

Bryanna turned 4 YAY......Her party way yesterday ..Bryanna was at grandmas for a little while why We set up the party, Ava went to the store and baught Bree a gift and was waiting so sweetly for bree to be here She was so excited to give her The gifts she baught....They now have matching friendship jewlery and have announced they are best friends...We had a cook out and the kids went swiming  her cake was my little pony BEAUTIFUL CAKE !!! The party went well ..I got to spend time with the people I love ....no fighting Alex helped......After everyone left and we cleaned up I played with Bryanna,Ava,Zandor,and Cody  my little ponys wE BRUSHED THERE HAIR AND DRESSING THEM i HAD SO MUCH FUN  Alex even played a few min....... My little ponys are awsome...

Memories of love foundation gave us a Wonderful gift A vacation fully paid .6 days and 5 nights Hotel and 3 theme parks Seaworld.Islands of adventure and Universal Studios, some food vouchers and 200 dollors in spending cash... Thank you to my special someone who has helped by donating. My scooter rental is crazy for 3 day rental .We leave this week,The kids are so excited im excited to see them have fun and them  not have to think about mommy being sick I cant wait to hear the sound of there voices giggling and laughing.

I have tried to contact my dad, I do  miss him alot reguardless of our disagrements..He will not return the effort.I wish he would just grow up.We r adults and we can disagree but still be family.

I want to thank Jennifer and Jack and ava for being here for us and welcoming us in there home smiling through the stress and just being true friends loving good hearted people, I know its not easy having a family of 5 and to add on a family of 5..Thank you and I love you...

Great News....

Im Excited to share with everyone Both of my sons have passed Cody is going into 2nd and Zandor into 1st. Im so proud !!!!

My 3 kids and Ava have been whinning and crying and fighting all the time its causing Jennifer and I to have stressed nerves ....I hope we can figure a way to heal these kids pain so they can get along .,..

I stoped taking my staroids monday may 30th I dont feel I need to be on them. I have put on 40pds this year and did well with my diet and still gained ...My head preasure has changed some but Ill give it a few days see how I feel...

Went to the salvation army today with jennifer everything if 50 percent off I got Zandor a bike for 12 bucks im still looking for bree and cody a bike for summer vacation hope them rideing will incourage me to walk.

there is like 8 days of school left, Kids r exctited I just registered bree in school ...for next yr

Bryannas b day is coming up on the 10 th she will be 4 she is excited :)

We were Given a 5 night 6 day vacation ,the suit is huge and paid for  and free passes to seaworld,universal studios,and island of adventure we leave on the 15 and come back on the 20th..We r excited This is our first ultimate family vacation. I hope I will have strength and the weather good and the days go smoothly and get lots of memories and the kids have there best day ever....

I think im going to miss my roomates .......

Jennifer was at the mall today and got me some much needed underware THANK YOU !

This month is going to be busy busy  lots of birthdays and dr appointments....I have another MRI to see how the tummor is doing ...

well GN

Its a new day...

Jack, Jennifers husband took Bryanna,Cody,and his 3 kids to church. They had fun Cody came him and said I know what prayer is Mommy and I said o what is prayer...He said its where u talk to God. Im so proud of my Son, He was excited he learned that.Even more excited to share it with me and everyone in his path ...
While they were aT church I was bonding with Zandor ,  He and I relaxed :)
and Bree did some really nice art work..

later in the day jack decided we should have a cook out,OK then it was funny trying to make the menue and pick our recipies....I decided to make macaroni salad WHAT WENT WRONG it was not so good,So we decided potato salad That came out pritty good I migh could make that again...Jack made a cucomber green onion with ranch and pepper splash of vinigar That was good and we made baked beans ,corn on cobb,ricearoni,and Jack used his man tools ( GRILL ) and cooked us the ultimate  Jack Daniels flavor ChickenBreast...DInner was great  My sister and her 2 kids came overThat was great .I decided there were to many kids to full with for dinner so they all got paper plates and can soda OMG i know Bad me   But a SOda here and there will not hurt them I hope.
So then My sister helped me by doing dishes as I cleaned,then I gave Andrew a bath in the sink He is such a good baby dried him up powdered his toosh and lotioned his body mmm he smelled so good...Im growing attached to jennifers monsters....lol
After all the house was done I loaded my 3 kids up and went to my moms She is having boys night at her house my 2 boys They invited me to watch Indiana jones Brree was sleeping on my lap she felt warmthen she woke up crying around 11 pm her tummy hurt so she and I came back home got her some meds Had to bribe her with twistie treat to take the meds ..Prob not a good idea b ut her fever is high and she needed the meds I did what I had to do..... 

Moving on I still feel craby ,snappy,short to the point,grrr,tired,weak,Happy,blessed so BLESSED.

So Jennifet went to a funeral place to reserve her plots where she will be barried Im sure that had to be hard But made me think I ddont want to place a bigger burden on family when I pass away and then themj have to come up withh $ to barrie me.

So I will be looking around this week If i have the energy...  This will be hard but need sto be done..

This is my day I must go for now my PM pills r kicking in on me got to go to bed.

My emotions are out there This week....

So I find that this week im slightly emotionally disturbed...My sister is having a hard time. She lost a dear friend,and her husband got fired, she works 2 jobs has 3 kids and struggles to provide food and housing with electric. Jennifer and I provided some food and small cash assistance to get her by for a week or 2 ...It sadens me My sister is going through this and her daughter has failed 2nd grade..She is having it rough. Here I am staying with  a friend my family and I , I have no job im unable to work and I am batteling with a desease and have to face reality everyday I get up how blessed I am I have another day but im reminded everyday I have to swallow 16 plus pills or so im weak or feeling sick.I have a big heart all who knows me knows Ill do just about anything I can for someone if I know u or not.My sister struggles day to day week by week month by month no thanks to her husband..No judgement on my part....I just wish he would help my sister  as the man of the house and her husband/baby daddy. Okk point being I have a small stash of emergency money that I have managed to save I dont know how I have done it But I have I need to go to the dentist,what if my car breaks down,kids need stuff for school next year,whatever it is ,,,My mother thinks im wrong because my sister could use the money now she needs it more then I do...Im the one thats sick Ill help as I can but to make me feel like shit My sister is strong She will make it  Hell she has her health For now She needs to stop  drinking and smoking,im her sister I will not let her kids or her or her husband starve Mom said im wrong for not giving her 300 bucks People have helped me in this time of need ...Let me stress to my readers I have recieved blessings and I have given blessings Even not knowing where the gas money will come from next to get me to my dr in tampa I still gave my last 2 dollors to a kid raising money for football.My emotions r going crazy I feel so angry My sister is struggling yes Im sorry for that,I will be there for her however I can But damit u can live a healthy life if u stop the drinking and smoking  It pisses me off PiSSES me OFF im sick That my sister sees me fighting to live and still does stupid stuff..to her body. Pisses me off how people stress over the little things and dont pay mind to the important things. I just feel so angry this week, sad, My body isnt mine anymore its the vampires and machines,my life revolves around Dr appointments and pills and needles.I am surrounded by people who love me Well Jennifer is here for me and the kids My family Is a phone call away  But I feel so alone they can relate but they dont understand my feelings... I smile and say im ok things are good truth is im so scared and in pain,lost, overwelmed,uncertin,hard headed and stubborn.People ask me how do u feel,or u look great do u feell like u have cancer,It makes me mad because I cant answer these questions for myself and people want answers I cant give cause I dont know So I smile and say sure im good...but I dont believe I have delt with the feelings that linger inside of me.I feel short tempered,stressed,bothered,mad,scared,sad,overwelmed,lonley,just So many emotions Why me Why am I sick Im a good person,its sad that I see so many good people sick or die when the rapist,and drug addicts,pedafiles,these people r healthy out living the people who try to live life the way god intended.Life is what it is god has a purpose for us..I get that..Jennifer is here for me she offers all the time to be involved in what im doing my meds dr appointments kids whatever she can,she yells at me and tells me to rest She keeps me active and reminds me to live life.She is amazing She has her 3 kids battles with her everyday life and still makes time for anyone always thinking about others Guess thats one thing we have in common That prob why we r curvashes we neglect ourself ...I have been very snappy with people this week Maybe its the chemo maybe its the tummor maybe its just me, Th dr said My son Cody is pulling away from me to prepare for my death well thats not comforting and tha Zandor is clingy lately because he is scared of loosing me,and Bree she dont understand she just knows im sick.Ok im tired Just took my last chemo pills for the m o0nth of may So I have finished my 3rd round of chemo YAY...I feel better now that I have written all my feelings out. Im going to bed\

Whats been going on....

Lets see what I can remember  from this past month.... I moved out of my dads house,Now my family is together under one roof YAY...We moved in with Jennifer and jack My dad became even more controlling So this was the best step for me and my kids. We have been living with Jennifer and Jack for a month now Things r going great. Kids r happy,they have there own kid room ,play room,outside to play and they can just be a kid.Chemo got cancled last month because I got sick a soar throat...I just started my 3rd round of chemo on monday may 23rd so far so good...There has been a tummy bug going around with my kids and jennifers kids have had a head cold thing I think we r all getting better finally...Cody is having issues in school with some kids He just seems to be angry all  the time.Zandor is just easy going he is doing well,and bree well i got her vpk certificate just have to register her in a school She will be attending the same school as Ava. Bree decided to chop her hair off last month So She had to get that fixed now its short the lady said the cut is called a Stack..I tried to save my van but they repoed it. Alex truck is on the repo list  I cant afford to keep it its 5 months behind ..Brees birthday is coming upShe wants her ears pierced. I know this letter is so random and bouncig all over the place but its just coming out of me that way.....So The kids and I went to the beach with my Mom her b friend and my sis husband and there 3 kids on mothersday  I dont like the ocean but I had a great day relaxing and nice to feel normal feel healthy forgetting im sick for a while It was a great day...I sat in a float and just relaxed the kids swam they did great..Alex,jack,Jennigfer,and I took a trip to SC to get most of my personal items a few weeks ago Jennifer felt that gettinbg my things would help me to feel more at home and she was right...It was a long straight up and back day but it was an experience and bonding time...I enjoyed it..I guess all is well I go back to see DR Pan in june,then ill knoow how the chemo is going..other then that I take all my vit and pills everyday I struggle with drinking the water.My meds have caused me to have a moon face and i have put on about 15 pds grrrr Im not feeling pritty or sexy I feel blah and likie im not me anymoe ....I went to a cancer fee better class for women they walk u through how ur apperience may change and how to stay positive and how to put the makeup on  but its not working for me..My hair is slowly falling out not in patches but Its thinning slowly.....My nails r so long and strong ,I know its from the vits im taking....im sure I forgot alot of stuff to put on my blog I will try to update better... Thank u to everyone who has prayed or helped my family in this rough time.

This week.....Lots of rest..

Friday March 25 th my kids stayed the night at my sisters They r still there lol and its Wed the 30 th .. I miss them at the same time I have been really weak my blood counts r down Just started my second round of Chemo on monday  march 28 th. Started a new pill Lunesta to help me sleep its been helpful. Things with my dad r going ok He has steped back and lets me use a knife now I can cook when im up to it ,but he will not let me talk to my family yet He wants to keep me clear headed and focused on how sick I am and what I need to do to get better I have Cancer a tumor in my brain stem talking or not talking to people will not cure this condition, but ill go along with most of it This is the way he is dealing with it . I have had 2 really great days but the nights have been the worst. Today everything and smell makes me blah but an eggsalad sandwitch .. My friend Jennifer and Jack came to visit me yesterday braught me some girly smell good stuff  I so much needed to see real people down to earth loving people...THANKS FOR COMING OVER!!! I so need a wax kit these pills are giving me hair growth like a man EWWWW my husband has the mustash I dont need one to. So the cancer center has a feel good  beauty class here for us blessed people batteling cancer Im excited to go I feel not so pritty alot these days I dont look like me anymore Good news Jennifer will be taking me to the class GIRL TIME !!! I must sound crazy like a kid Getting so excited to see people ..I never leave the house dad wants me in the house for 6 weeks ill be free May 6 th its not a punishment I know it sounds like it Im trying to see his point of view He wants me to focus on  my condition,read,relax and rest,keep a clear head,plane my will,spend time with my husband and kids ,learn to eat and shop healthy , i get it dad. Ur not the bad guy Ur the scared dad ...Im so concerned for him Its hard for me to be scared for me. I have a comon condition called chemobrain I have short term memory loss and having issues following through with tasks,my family thinks im loosing it dad asked me my email I told him and lisa like 5 times they couldnt get it right I said it the right way but they didnt get it so they said im loosing it and maybe I shouldnt be handling important papers anymore IM like ok people u r the older ones im ok ..but I know im messing #s up and words here and there I messed up my taxes put the wrong social down now we have to fix it amend it grrr.My husband is doing ok I know this is hard on him being here at my dads and dealing with my dads wife I dont think she likes my husband She rides him about everything EVERYTHING ...but he trys to stay positive for me he keeps his head up ...I asked him to put the kids on the bus so we can save gas because we have no income coming in and he said  taking the kids to school and picking them up is the only time I can be me and a dad the only time he gets fresh air I hear u hunny Now u might know how I feel I never leave ... I hate needles they hurt and scare me I go to the dr every 2 weeks and get poked Im telling u I look forward to going to the dr because im out and free  I see people living and walking and surviving seeing that gives me hope Ill be in recovery someday. Well im off to rest just wanted to write a few of my thaughts out ...

Whats been going on in my head!

Ok so I know its been a while. Not sure if I even remember all that has been going on.so ill start with this past 2 weeks.Things at home have been so stressfull My dad has been crazy mad resurching my cancer finding everything he can to help cure me.He has changed my food to organic grass fed only meats and organic food period.because he is the one here My addvociate he I allowed to handle the food and health attend all dr appointments well lets just say me being so depressed He steped up. It wasnt so bad. Now he is telling me when I can leave the house who I can go with who I cant see or talk to because he feels these people ( My Mom and Sister ) my family as he refers to them as these people dont care to understand that im sick and need the proper taking care of ,and he feels they dont care for me because they dont remind me everysecond with resurch and depression how sick I am.I feel worse these days im trying to do all he asks My meds have me so puffy I feel like a hot air balloon,the pain in my head, the morphine, nore vicoden do not take the pain away, I am weaker, tired, ireatable, frustrated at my memory loss and incompatence to follow through from being weak,I get #s wrong words messed up, Its just so scary and alone,Im on so many pills im getting confussed. I dont know from day to day if ill have lost all feeling in my head or if ill start sceizing,have complete memory loss . My dad likes Jennifer  She is the best always been here for me sence im going to say 24 yrs She is the link to the outside world her and facebook :)when im up to getting on here. U have been amazing standing by me in this all u have been through and r going through in ur life and u still find time ,energy,and heart to share. I cant tell u how much u mean to me in my heart U have touched me in a spiritual way of amazement I got to witness the lord through ur eyes and trials in life. On top of what life brings u   you have been so graceful to help out with whatever I have needed and I know it has taken a tole on ur finances and ur heart.I love u and ur Husband :)   ....So I would like to look for a 5h wheel somekind of trailer to put on my dads land so I can get out of the control box called his house and have my personal freedom with my kids and husband and still feel safe that my dad is just next store if i need him. The kids r doing ok They here and see that im sick they stay outside dad dont feel that the kids take care of his 1500 dollor table they tend to bump the chairs to the table THERE KIDS so they r outside eating and playing with sticks . I cant buy them stuff we r financialy straped gas money is our biggest concern that and 3 months behind on the truck . Jennifer had a yard sale and they gave us some money from there success that day I took cody needed 10 dollors and zandor needed 4 for there field trip coming up It felt so good to give them that It wasnt much and I have no money but to give them that day out of here to have fun something I cant do with them right now I know they will have a blast and the lord will provide away for us. I spent some time with the kids yeaterday one on one in the evening and Read them books befor bed I miss doing all that  its been a while. I just had a rough day yesterday it scared me and I know it scared my dad we both had tears in our eyes.Im looking at him and he dont know what to do.I got to spend spring break over at my moms I ran away hehehe took me the kids and alex soent all week there after I left elaines party which was fun TY Elaine nice to see u and get out. Miss u ....Ended up not feeling well the foods I could eat was Publix premium cherry nut ice cream and crabmeat imotation from the seafood  dept. I had a great time at moms we dont get to see eachother much these days so we didnt want to sleep  we were staying up all night killing ourselfes.It was just great to be with here. I love her so much I need her to be here and dad is making it so hard. Also my neice turned 5 and nephew turned 13 party at my sisters house sunday that passed So dad made my sister a menue of what to feed me and I told her its the kids party she will not make health foods for me im a big girl I will decide what ill eat focus on ur kids big day. Well the party was great my sis yea she missed me or it was the 4loco that had her rubbing my head most of the time Im like sis can u rub the right half of my head the left is numb lol anyway she was a sport I love her So I ate some bakebeans and a beef hotdog OMG now my dad has blacklisted her ass Im like dad im 28 yrs old im double her weight do u think she is going to try to take my hotdog from me I ate it its not her fault But he seems to think If he stops he and I from talking to her she will learn a lesson ..I dont know Its childish.I get dad is trying to be all he can be to help me but im not 8 im married I have 3 kids im almost 30.So let me recap myself here kids r doing good in school,Alex is cut off from the computer dad feels its best for him to be more attenative to me and the kids, so alex is loosing his mind , Im cut from my mom and sister and my cell so i can focus on me , im not allowed to leave the house my blood counts r down and chemo starts again on monday the 28th,jennifer u can visit me,mom is well I think, she misses me,I miss her .heather get ur ass over here and kick dads he is wrong and this is a stupid ur going to listen to me game he is playing,Elaine thank u for the party had fun last week and If ur not useing the trampoline still my dad said its ok if the kids have it here if ur ok with it,Jennifer dont forget the hot tub :) come play with me...And how do I feel emotionaly Im sad,feel forgotten,my voice dont matter,like people see me but dont hear me,feel like im already gone and people speak of me not to me by people refering to dad. He wants me to focus on being a machine not being happy. Im looking into a cancer class there r 2 coming up i hope to go and maybe bring family or friends if they want to go.Well im going to get the kids up and ready for school soon ..Keep in mind if u r looking to help out we r still in need of simple daily items Toilete paper,laundry soap,hand soap,gas cards,bathroom stuff,outside stuff for the kids   A bag of m&ms to hide under my bed hehehe. Well ttyl