My emotions are out there This week....

So I find that this week im slightly emotionally disturbed...My sister is having a hard time. She lost a dear friend,and her husband got fired, she works 2 jobs has 3 kids and struggles to provide food and housing with electric. Jennifer and I provided some food and small cash assistance to get her by for a week or 2 ...It sadens me My sister is going through this and her daughter has failed 2nd grade..She is having it rough. Here I am staying with  a friend my family and I , I have no job im unable to work and I am batteling with a desease and have to face reality everyday I get up how blessed I am I have another day but im reminded everyday I have to swallow 16 plus pills or so im weak or feeling sick.I have a big heart all who knows me knows Ill do just about anything I can for someone if I know u or not.My sister struggles day to day week by week month by month no thanks to her husband..No judgement on my part....I just wish he would help my sister  as the man of the house and her husband/baby daddy. Okk point being I have a small stash of emergency money that I have managed to save I dont know how I have done it But I have I need to go to the dentist,what if my car breaks down,kids need stuff for school next year,whatever it is ,,,My mother thinks im wrong because my sister could use the money now she needs it more then I do...Im the one thats sick Ill help as I can but to make me feel like shit My sister is strong She will make it  Hell she has her health For now She needs to stop  drinking and smoking,im her sister I will not let her kids or her or her husband starve Mom said im wrong for not giving her 300 bucks People have helped me in this time of need ...Let me stress to my readers I have recieved blessings and I have given blessings Even not knowing where the gas money will come from next to get me to my dr in tampa I still gave my last 2 dollors to a kid raising money for football.My emotions r going crazy I feel so angry My sister is struggling yes Im sorry for that,I will be there for her however I can But damit u can live a healthy life if u stop the drinking and smoking  It pisses me off PiSSES me OFF im sick That my sister sees me fighting to live and still does stupid stuff..to her body. Pisses me off how people stress over the little things and dont pay mind to the important things. I just feel so angry this week, sad, My body isnt mine anymore its the vampires and machines,my life revolves around Dr appointments and pills and needles.I am surrounded by people who love me Well Jennifer is here for me and the kids My family Is a phone call away  But I feel so alone they can relate but they dont understand my feelings... I smile and say im ok things are good truth is im so scared and in pain,lost, overwelmed,uncertin,hard headed and stubborn.People ask me how do u feel,or u look great do u feell like u have cancer,It makes me mad because I cant answer these questions for myself and people want answers I cant give cause I dont know So I smile and say sure im good...but I dont believe I have delt with the feelings that linger inside of me.I feel short tempered,stressed,bothered,mad,scared,sad,overwelmed,lonley,just So many emotions Why me Why am I sick Im a good person,its sad that I see so many good people sick or die when the rapist,and drug addicts,pedafiles,these people r healthy out living the people who try to live life the way god intended.Life is what it is god has a purpose for us..I get that..Jennifer is here for me she offers all the time to be involved in what im doing my meds dr appointments kids whatever she can,she yells at me and tells me to rest She keeps me active and reminds me to live life.She is amazing She has her 3 kids battles with her everyday life and still makes time for anyone always thinking about others Guess thats one thing we have in common That prob why we r curvashes we neglect ourself ...I have been very snappy with people this week Maybe its the chemo maybe its the tummor maybe its just me, Th dr said My son Cody is pulling away from me to prepare for my death well thats not comforting and tha Zandor is clingy lately because he is scared of loosing me,and Bree she dont understand she just knows im sick.Ok im tired Just took my last chemo pills for the m o0nth of may So I have finished my 3rd round of chemo YAY...I feel better now that I have written all my feelings out. Im going to bed\