Monday, February 11, 2013

WOW its been forever dont know where to start  January I was diagnosed with a condition called Hydrocephalus  and had a vp shunt placed jan 9 2013 after that i  went into with drawls not having steroids found out i need to see a specialist to ween off them .  then i got celiulitious skin infection from surgury having to take antiobiotics.. Kids r doing well alex had to come home help out after surgury I dont drive atm my  choice dont have full strenght vision had doubled I recieved my wheel chair it helps alot I can finally be free out and about, I stayed with mom and tim after surgury while i was trying to regain my strenght.

Christmas was great kids got so much they had a blast got everything I think they wanted. Cody made ab honor roll just so proud of the kids they r doing the best they can with all this i know its hard on them.

not sure what else to say atm so ll write later

Friday, June 22, 2012

Well its been so long dont know where to start or what to say. It has been 1 year and 4 months I have been a survivor I continue to do chemotheropy I am stable still struggle with weight and pain depression and understanding what is going on with myself and life acceptance i guess its called.I have been rather weak for a while kids help here and there wish they did without somuch energy on my part. anyway I am stable tumor has not grown from what we can see and no it will not shrink. My pain gets so bad it literally will knock me out and kick my ass when i waike up lol. I decided to stop doing blood work back in december thaught If I ignore the things i should do It would make the cancer less real. Yea that didnt work I guess im feeling I want to be me again have my body again tired of taking meds everyday dr appointments all the time mine and the kids just want the me befor all this. Life changes in the blink of an eye the end of a sentance the touch of a hand the sound of a cry u cant change it when it happens its called life u accept it and move forward thats all we can do, dosent make it any easier to understand or grasp . So many mile stones this year for Myself and my family In march We purchaced a trailer 2 bed 1 and half bath on the lake Its beautiful I just dont find myself embrassing the view and fresh air as i should like I said Acceptance peace understanding just not there anymore. After moving in I pulled out the shower and rebuilt a new one double the size with 2 nice seats in it,Alex has been working here and there that helps,My father and his wife took my sister and I on a cruise we braught and [paid for our other halfs but that was intresting spent some great moments with my sis and the worst moments with our spouses lol alex got drunk and well sprung his foot that was 800 bucks at the dr on board and james well all he wanted was sex and alchol from my sister not me lol .... but heather james and I went in the ocean and found the coolest stuff 2 large star fish lots of other things but we drew the line on looking for more stuff when we grabed something with a stinger Yea its not so safe in the unknown lol. I did my sisters face for pics we had dinner laughed cryed it was great to spend time with her no kids or phones dont believe I thanked her but Im greatful we had time like we did wish it was more. Even spent some time with my dad he is handsome kind and cares we had some moments as for alex i feel we were on a singles cruise hell i never seen his broken foot smoking hiding on deck ass . Moving on... came back from the cruise OOO my mom kept the kids her and tim Thanks to them that wasnt easy to have 6 kids 3 different schools she recieved lots of love from me and items but the stress i couldnt help with Love u mom ur my best friend ok Well after coming home from the cruise I find out Zandor had a epasode in school and the bachoracted him in the hospital and peaceriver cause he said he wanted to hurt his teacher and himself crazy right he is a kid he called his teacher a ghost they took it the wrong way. so sence the trip its been a struggle with zandor he ran away 2 or so times had multipul rides home from the police started new theropy sessions and now is on meds which can be the most stressful to get him to take I feel bad he needs them I hate druging my kid but its what is nessasary I should have done it in 2008 but i felt i got this he dont need pills Well its hard for a mom to igmit she needs help with her kids.So he has been on meds for a month and is alot better dr just increased dosage for him he will start tomorrow.Cody also goes to the dr next week for meds and counsling he has anger issues put his fist up like he wants to hit me hell everyone disrespectful angry he is only 8 i wish i could take his pain from him what makes him so angry and mad.Bryanna lol she is just great mommy i want all day long spoiled anoying most of the time she is the doll dances sings taddles busy body. Glad to say all my kids graduated YAY Cody is in 3rd Zandor is in 2nd and bree is in k. Bryanna just had her 5th b day was a blast large slip and slide lots of fun Cant believe my kids are 8,7,5 im excited to see them grow cant believe ive been a mom for almost 10 years .on the next note My oven broke I wanted a different one anyway no propane this time so I baught a nice flat glass top on craigs list for 325 i believe It works great I can set timers for it to cook when i want it and end when im not here But I wouldnt do that Danger lol lol.I went to the lab corp yeaterday im going to try to do better with my labs and i did my mri also I see dr pan tuesday for results on my brain scan.We did decide at 12 months of chemo to continue to 18 months and see where do we go from there . Lets see what else took the kids to the library they loved it they have learned how to skate at the skate world with there dad a few times one time was there trip for graduating.My sister turned 32 this year took her to out back for lunch I didnt care for there food Mannys is so much better but we had a good time. The kids started a 2 hr session at the bethany c enter every week on tuesday they love it mom goes with me and we have our own councling sessions its fun. It gets lonely at home i guess Wish my husband could try to understand this whole thing that has happended he avoids the facts out loud denile more then i am i guess jusyt want my best friend back my sholder to cry on want it to be ok to cry and it not be a weakness but my expression. I get everyone has a life and things to do but I feel I lost mine on the journey i stoped in a way living and now i do the motions I just dont want to be remembered as weak anyless then who i was befor i got sick I have always been brave out going full of life full of heart and love funny spontanious forward helping hand sholder to lean on bitchy i guess a go getter opinionated demanding smart Its hard when ur memory changes my speed changes on proccesing and doing things but its still me the looks u get from people omg and being hot im always so hot i carry a fan everywhere i go sweating grrrr ... Guess im scared ..Well this year has def been a big year a great year .  I know i cant say thank u enough to the ones i love and who have prayed and been here fro me and my family on the whole journey But u know who u r and i love u and thank u . I wouldnt have gotton this far in my journey if it wasnt for thoses who where there emotionaly and physicaly. Well im going to get off here ill try to write more on here for my own records so i dont forget i have 3 kids who will see the dr in the morning for cleanings and a husband to pick up from work im excited cant wait to see how this weekend will go.GN.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


So today I get a call wanting me to relinquish my vehicle , I have not been able to pay for a few months I already lost my other vehicle last month to repo  So this sucks .. I decided to call the guy back and tell him where I live to come and get it.Im sad because my family fit in this and we had some space,It was a good suv. It just sucks I found out I was sick,moved from SC to FL in with my dad ,Had brain surgury,recovery,Found out I have cancer,My kids moved in with my sister ,started chemo,dad went controlingly crazy on me,got sick couldnt do chemo,dad stll crazy, moved in with jennifer and jack plus there 3,had chemo,went to SC to get our stuff,kids came back to me,things starting to settle I have a repo on my van ouch that really hurt,its ok I got a tiny dodge neon to get me to my appointments ,,,Hmmm was thinking save on gas not family car,any way things have been settling ,had bryannas 4th b day party,went on vacation ,and now another repo. We have lost our home ,surroundings,friends,family,security,our state of sc,our comfort,our vehicles, my health, And have gained a new family of 5 :) and there home ,A blessing im stable,kids are aaround family all the time,school is not so bad :) im sure there is much more positive thiings to type about but im drawing a blank atm Frankly im just sad feeling reaslly sad and overwelmed. I feel so alone ... I try to talk to my mom but she never truely listens ,my sister is always working she lets life live her.Alex well thats just a wall i cant crack ..If I change my meds I have to make an announcment to everyone in hopes someone will remember it if something goes wrong with me.I have jennifer she hears me but she is depressed and overwelmed to.I have decided if I have pain shhhh about it,feeling shhh about it,black out shhh about it unless I talk to my dr Because the people I need most dont see me they dont hear me,I told my mom today I had sensation in my mouth up top on my gums when I was eating ice cream I had to tell her 4 times befor she really listened.Whats the point to talk about the pain or discomfort when thats all it can ever be is talk of my pain and discomfort unless the meds work or i am magically cured ....Befor I go to bed at night I try to make sure I have things in line paper work filled correctly kids xxxooo in case I dont waike up  dont get me wrong its also less for me to do the next day but I feel like i cant get it perfect Im just not readyto pass .On a lighter note but worser note our septic needs a new drain field its backed up Jack and Alex were out there digging and scooping ...This sucks I live off less then 450 amonth ssi for 5 people I know jennifer wouldnt ask me for the money because she understands my condition but I feel the need to help I as well as my family live here so whats my roomates /family  issues is ours also ....Ava and the boys went swiming for a few hrs today They went right to bed after the pool.Thay had fun....... I hope this grief counslor will work with us all well w need this .....         Jennifer gave me andrew for a little bit He was so sweet laying on me suking his thum,holding his blanked singig to me softly aww so he wa s so so so sweet...I was laughing and having fun with him Then jennifer and andrew went to bed.I miss it when my kids were smaller so less opinionated lol....But Im happy they r growing and strong minds I see them growing into there own its amazing...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Finished my fourth round of Chemo

The past week has been really busy, Started chemo on 6-27 ended on 7-1.. Took the kids to see transformers 3d They were excited it was there first time in a movie theater...They loved it Zandor shouted WOW AWSOME lol. Ive been really tired lately slugish.I miss bRyanna she is in tallahassee with her Aunt for a summer visit.Ive been bonding with the boys .Alex is still looking for a job Hope he gets one soon The savings from my ssi WE  have been living on is almost gone .Its so hard somedays. I would get a job if I could and then I think I have a fatal desease in my brain stem Money comes and goes we struggle we live but how long I get to spend with my family means more than a paycheck at this point.So im leaning on God to help us and Alex to get a job .I rested today just passed out while reading a book slept for almost 5 hrs WOW that felt nice..Im not sure what I spoke about inb my past blogs at this momet but I joined a 12 week live strong programe for cancer survivors at the YMCA excited and scared..  Today for the 4th of july the kids watched awsome fireworks from the kitchen standing on chairs The bugs were bad out side. Cody and I hade fun Alex and Zandor wanted to play on there electronics grr ...Working on the kitchen organizing stuff Trying to help makejennifers life easier more organized Guess im trying to let her see I am here and I am trying to help her and all of us be more organized Hey having 6 kids in the house and 4 adults moving every direction the organization and clean ness takes some stress away ....Got The kids room done,my bathroom,my room,the pantry,kids cabinet,im wanting to help get all jennifers vision done rearange the livingroom and play room.  Ive been trying to eat better drink water not soda no snacking I have accomplished adding water to mmy diet take out once this month and ill be working on portion control.  O didnt know if I said how my dr appointment went but I was there at the moffitt june 23 rd I believe All is well I am stable tumor has not grown.Im feeling fast forward I just went and seen my Dr and I go next month for another MRI wow I still do my labs every 2 weeks But I cant stand the mri its to small and I freak out I have to take a few pills and keep my eyes closed ...Im looking at my boys atm Sleeping on my floor They have there own beds but they want to be close to me I just try not to step on them when i get up 4 or so times a night to pee..There my lil men I love them I hope they will always know that .. I got our vacation pictures printed up 300 of them including brees b day I need to get a photo album for the vacation pics ...This blog is everywhere  sorry just saying what comes to mind ....Jennifer made a lemon cake today She knows I like it .She should have been resting her back but she did it anyway :)   ..The boys played on the wii today Michael Jackson u have to dance like him  The kids did great they know them moves ....well im off to bed kids r sleeping and i just wanna snuggle with them

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Alex birthday

Ok so today is my husbands 35th  birthday He slept till 4 pm and woke up ate and relaxed watched tv till 7 pm We went to pick up Zandor our son at my mothers and were going to go to dinner at dennys I have free dinner coupons Well he starts saying he wants to go to the movies so we drive around the theater we used to go to closed down so we go to another one there not playing anything good and we go to another one there closed to shut down grr...So Alex is stressed because he dont want to do anything for his birthday he is being sour about today.. I think he is feeling bad because he never does anything for me on my birthday..I am not big on hollidays they r always sad for me I always cry Alex never trys to do anything special for me. Anyway we went to the red box and got a movie,grabed dinner his fav a frisco burger for him and chinese for me and the kids. Not going all out but still tryed to make it special O and I got cupcakes and sang happy birthday as  he snaped at me to stop singing ...He is so angry and sad depressed snapping at the kids because they r chatting with me while the movie is on ,, Its like the world revolves around him..Im eating my dinner on the bed He finished eating  But im  still eating and he pulls the blanket not caring he is about to almost spil my plate.Im trying here I havent been yelling at him I have backed off ..I cant wait to start councling I hope he is willing and that it helps him and me..He was telling me for a min tonight that he cant handle me being sick , he was depressed befor I got sick and now he said its worse.I know this effects him and everyone around me but How do you think I feel im the one that is sick I have the tumor why does he get to shut down and be depressed and I have to suck up my feelings and act as if nothing is wrong..Im sick and he is the victum SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE !! I know im sick sometimes I want to just be alone its not possiable Im a mother and a wife.But alex is in his world he dont accept im sick and need him to step up and be here clean ,cook, brush the kids teeth, give them a bath,SOMETHING besides the computer ...Ive backed off of being agressive and demanding and yelling and snapping for 2 days now ,,that is great for me especially the way I have been feeling about him ....I still want him to leave I wonder why he is here He dont help me with my meds,appointments,bills,kids,slacks on house work, That should be me slacking cause im depressed ....I forget things alot these days maybe some is from the tumor maybe some is from the stress I dont know but I have notes everywhere saying what needs to be done or whats important I need someone to be with me know these things incase I forget or need help But he acts like the victume ....Why are you here Is my question for alex...Yes I love him its been 14 years us together I think we want different things I want more and its not items its emotional ..If im stressed enough he will help,but why does it have to get that far...Anyway I tried to give him a relaxed birthday and be kind He just dont see the bigger picture .  I need him to grow up or  get out I know that sounds bad But im sick I want to be happy dont like the kids seeing me so mad yelling...Why are you here is the main question I have for alex Why?

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Dr Visit --6-23-2011

Picked up my mom and drove to the Moffitt..I did the blood work at 10:30 and MRI at 11:00 I cant stand the mri its to small I start to hyperventilate my arms rube the sides and go numb from being the circulation being cut off because the machine is to small for me. Im looking into an open mri  but I need a order from my primary DR but because they cancled my appointment we have never meet,they cant call in an order when they havent meet me.They said they can get me in around Aug..

So the dr at moffitt gave me something to relax me it helped..I did my mri  Doing blood work and mri's its just something i will never get used to .

Well I seen Dr Pan at 3 pm for my results and he said my tumor seems to not have grown and told me I should have started chemo last week Guess I messed up the dates but its ok Ill get back on track.
Guess im not feeling excited the way everyone else is about the tumor not growing Im just waiting on him to tell me it has grown im to scared to celebrate the fact it hasnt.

Bad news for me I have gained 48 pds in the past 5 months due to my meds im also retaining fluids like a sponge, My head has been hurting so bad lately the dr trippled one of my meds in hopes it will work and I can get off the staroids.

I got to spend the day with my mom. sucks it had to be at the r office for 9 hrs .....

I made a few phone calls yesterday 6-24-2011

I called the YMCA they offer a 12 week class for survivors with cancer free of charge I guess its bonding,chatting,working  out ,swiming  Im not so sure just yet but im excited to join, I have a interview on tuesday at 6 pm ..she said the kids can go into the kids room and play and Alex can join m if he likes.Also i contacted a grief counslor for my family so we can each talk about our feelings one on one with someone they will contact me sometime next week I hope they can help us.. This condition I have has effected us all in somany ways Its hard for me to talk about it without crying and being choked up,Alex is in deniel im sick at all he resents me for being sick,Cody will not talk about it at all tells me he is fine,Zandor has a need to understand and listen,and Bryanna just is sad im sick . It was so hard to pick up the phone yesterday and pour my heart out to these strangers asking them for help, My marriage is falling apart Ive been so angry ..Jennifer told me its not fair to myself ,the kids,or alex to kick him out of the house with out really trying I havent yelled at him in liike 24 hrs and im trying to get us help someone to talk to...

My daughter is in Tallahasee with her Aunt and 4 cousins she will be there for a couple weeks I miss her somuch  but Im happy she is having fun and growing as a individuale learning new things.


Today is Alex b day he is 35...It is 2 pm and he is still in bed He thinks cause its his b day he can be left alone and stay in bed I tryed to explaine to him happy  b day but ur still a dad and husband there is still life to be lived...I want to yell at him and throw pillows but I know that wouldnt be a good thing sence I am trying to do better   Just wish he was trying to be better to.

I start my chemo on monday 6-27-2011 Im not looking forward to it Because im already tired and feeling weak and nausiated. this will be my fourth round of chemo I missed one month because I was sick.

I was cooking dinner last night Alex was making salad and Jennifer was helping and supervising us LOL well she puts on disney music from like lion king and mermaid blasting it while we cook It was great It reminded me when I was younger it was relaxing and filled me inside with joy Those are the moments I want to have more of..

My sister got a tea recipe from a cancer survivor and swears its a cure for cancer I guess we are going to try to make it Im not a liquid drinker I can take a pill but liquid EWWW but she feels so strongly about theis tea I will make it and drink it to givee her peace..these are the ingreadients but im not sure of the amount

guess im going to get ready to pick up Zandor from grandmas house He stayed the night last night and Cody the night befor they rotated Its going to pour badly so i guess I should try to go befor it does..

O I also have an appointment to get 2 wigs on tuesday for a fitting if my insurance dont cover the wigs they will give me them im not sure how it works But im going to try to get some wigs my hair isnt falling out like most people but im loosing a few strands a day my hair is getting thinner.. better to be ready then to not.

Ginger root
half Lemon
cinnamon sticks
Orange leaves washed well
Anisette (fennel )
brown sugar

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Vacation...and more

June 15 started our vacation Memories of love foundation Gave to us 5 days 6 nights at the holliday in express along with seaworld passes,universal islands of adventure,and universal studios.some spending money and food vouchers..THANK YOU TO THEM  for doing this for us..

Alex the kids and I had a blast.The kids were most excited about getting autographs..Zandor and Bryanna loved the fast roller coasters Cody was more reserved very emotional but somestuff he got on he actually liked after was said and done..Cody freaked out on men and black they had to release him from the ride so a kind man Anthony took us back stage and showed us the control panel how the ride works and the people who control everything That was awsome and Cody went on the ride after that he loved it and got to go on ride back to back.

Seaworld was great the shows were great.

Islands of adventure do not accomidate handicap very well didnt like it there to much...

Universal studios was my fav they accomidated us like we were vip,the rides were kid friendly and fun, no line waiting just about every ride. Me having the chair mobile thing we didnt have to wait in lines just the couple Alex and Zandor went on at the end of the day.

We went to the hotel and went swiming for a few hrs.That was fun the kids and I had a blast Alex took pictures ...

After our stay was over The day we came home we took the kids to the fun spot..They wanted to gokart ride and so the did and they had fun,bumper boats,bumper cars video arcade ....

I enjoyed watching the kids laugh so hard and smile and just watching them have no worries just fun...

We watched a magic trick show Zandor got to be apart of it at universal SSSSOOO cool ...

Today is june 22nd  Bryanna left yesterday to tallahassee with her aunt Debbie and 3 cousins Katelyn,carrissa,and dillon.

I would like to take the boys to skate world and teach them how to skate this summer ...They have coupons skate 1 dolor a week ....

Alex has not been my fav person I have been short tempered and nerved by him Feeling stuck,traped,annoyed impatient,overwelmed,tired,just so done with him.If I didnt have kids with him this would be so much easier to flick his ass out like a flea..

I start my 4th round of  chemo on monday, My dad still isnt talking to me,and I do my MRI and see Dr Pan on the 23rd of june.see how everything is going with me.I think Mom is going with me Girl day :) ....YAY....