Whats been going on in my head!

Ok so I know its been a while. Not sure if I even remember all that has been going on.so ill start with this past 2 weeks.Things at home have been so stressfull My dad has been crazy mad resurching my cancer finding everything he can to help cure me.He has changed my food to organic grass fed only meats and organic food period.because he is the one here My addvociate he I allowed to handle the food and health attend all dr appointments well lets just say me being so depressed He steped up. It wasnt so bad. Now he is telling me when I can leave the house who I can go with who I cant see or talk to because he feels these people ( My Mom and Sister ) my family as he refers to them as these people dont care to understand that im sick and need the proper taking care of ,and he feels they dont care for me because they dont remind me everysecond with resurch and depression how sick I am.I feel worse these days im trying to do all he asks My meds have me so puffy I feel like a hot air balloon,the pain in my head, the morphine, nore vicoden do not take the pain away, I am weaker, tired, ireatable, frustrated at my memory loss and incompatence to follow through from being weak,I get #s wrong words messed up, Its just so scary and alone,Im on so many pills im getting confussed. I dont know from day to day if ill have lost all feeling in my head or if ill start sceizing,have complete memory loss . My dad likes Jennifer  She is the best always been here for me sence im going to say 24 yrs She is the link to the outside world her and facebook :)when im up to getting on here. U have been amazing standing by me in this all u have been through and r going through in ur life and u still find time ,energy,and heart to share. I cant tell u how much u mean to me in my heart U have touched me in a spiritual way of amazement I got to witness the lord through ur eyes and trials in life. On top of what life brings u   you have been so graceful to help out with whatever I have needed and I know it has taken a tole on ur finances and ur heart.I love u and ur Husband :)   ....So I would like to look for a 5h wheel somekind of trailer to put on my dads land so I can get out of the control box called his house and have my personal freedom with my kids and husband and still feel safe that my dad is just next store if i need him. The kids r doing ok They here and see that im sick they stay outside dad dont feel that the kids take care of his 1500 dollor table they tend to bump the chairs to the table THERE KIDS so they r outside eating and playing with sticks . I cant buy them stuff we r financialy straped gas money is our biggest concern that and 3 months behind on the truck . Jennifer had a yard sale and they gave us some money from there success that day I took cody needed 10 dollors and zandor needed 4 for there field trip coming up It felt so good to give them that It wasnt much and I have no money but to give them that day out of here to have fun something I cant do with them right now I know they will have a blast and the lord will provide away for us. I spent some time with the kids yeaterday one on one in the evening and Read them books befor bed I miss doing all that  its been a while. I just had a rough day yesterday it scared me and I know it scared my dad we both had tears in our eyes.Im looking at him and he dont know what to do.I got to spend spring break over at my moms I ran away hehehe took me the kids and alex soent all week there after I left elaines party which was fun TY Elaine nice to see u and get out. Miss u ....Ended up not feeling well the foods I could eat was Publix premium cherry nut ice cream and crabmeat imotation from the seafood  dept. I had a great time at moms we dont get to see eachother much these days so we didnt want to sleep  we were staying up all night killing ourselfes.It was just great to be with here. I love her so much I need her to be here and dad is making it so hard. Also my neice turned 5 and nephew turned 13 party at my sisters house sunday that passed So dad made my sister a menue of what to feed me and I told her its the kids party she will not make health foods for me im a big girl I will decide what ill eat focus on ur kids big day. Well the party was great my sis yea she missed me or it was the 4loco that had her rubbing my head most of the time Im like sis can u rub the right half of my head the left is numb lol anyway she was a sport I love her So I ate some bakebeans and a beef hotdog OMG now my dad has blacklisted her ass Im like dad im 28 yrs old im double her weight do u think she is going to try to take my hotdog from me I ate it its not her fault But he seems to think If he stops he and I from talking to her she will learn a lesson ..I dont know Its childish.I get dad is trying to be all he can be to help me but im not 8 im married I have 3 kids im almost 30.So let me recap myself here kids r doing good in school,Alex is cut off from the computer dad feels its best for him to be more attenative to me and the kids, so alex is loosing his mind , Im cut from my mom and sister and my cell so i can focus on me , im not allowed to leave the house my blood counts r down and chemo starts again on monday the 28th,jennifer u can visit me,mom is well I think, she misses me,I miss her .heather get ur ass over here and kick dads he is wrong and this is a stupid ur going to listen to me game he is playing,Elaine thank u for the party had fun last week and If ur not useing the trampoline still my dad said its ok if the kids have it here if ur ok with it,Jennifer dont forget the hot tub :) come play with me...And how do I feel emotionaly Im sad,feel forgotten,my voice dont matter,like people see me but dont hear me,feel like im already gone and people speak of me not to me by people refering to dad. He wants me to focus on being a machine not being happy. Im looking into a cancer class there r 2 coming up i hope to go and maybe bring family or friends if they want to go.Well im going to get the kids up and ready for school soon ..Keep in mind if u r looking to help out we r still in need of simple daily items Toilete paper,laundry soap,hand soap,gas cards,bathroom stuff,outside stuff for the kids   A bag of m&ms to hide under my bed hehehe. Well ttyl