Friday, June 22, 2012

Well its been so long dont know where to start or what to say. It has been 1 year and 4 months I have been a survivor I continue to do chemotheropy I am stable still struggle with weight and pain depression and understanding what is going on with myself and life acceptance i guess its called.I have been rather weak for a while kids help here and there wish they did without somuch energy on my part. anyway I am stable tumor has not grown from what we can see and no it will not shrink. My pain gets so bad it literally will knock me out and kick my ass when i waike up lol. I decided to stop doing blood work back in december thaught If I ignore the things i should do It would make the cancer less real. Yea that didnt work I guess im feeling I want to be me again have my body again tired of taking meds everyday dr appointments all the time mine and the kids just want the me befor all this. Life changes in the blink of an eye the end of a sentance the touch of a hand the sound of a cry u cant change it when it happens its called life u accept it and move forward thats all we can do, dosent make it any easier to understand or grasp . So many mile stones this year for Myself and my family In march We purchaced a trailer 2 bed 1 and half bath on the lake Its beautiful I just dont find myself embrassing the view and fresh air as i should like I said Acceptance peace understanding just not there anymore. After moving in I pulled out the shower and rebuilt a new one double the size with 2 nice seats in it,Alex has been working here and there that helps,My father and his wife took my sister and I on a cruise we braught and [paid for our other halfs but that was intresting spent some great moments with my sis and the worst moments with our spouses lol alex got drunk and well sprung his foot that was 800 bucks at the dr on board and james well all he wanted was sex and alchol from my sister not me lol .... but heather james and I went in the ocean and found the coolest stuff 2 large star fish lots of other things but we drew the line on looking for more stuff when we grabed something with a stinger Yea its not so safe in the unknown lol. I did my sisters face for pics we had dinner laughed cryed it was great to spend time with her no kids or phones dont believe I thanked her but Im greatful we had time like we did wish it was more. Even spent some time with my dad he is handsome kind and cares we had some moments as for alex i feel we were on a singles cruise hell i never seen his broken foot smoking hiding on deck ass . Moving on... came back from the cruise OOO my mom kept the kids her and tim Thanks to them that wasnt easy to have 6 kids 3 different schools she recieved lots of love from me and items but the stress i couldnt help with Love u mom ur my best friend ok Well after coming home from the cruise I find out Zandor had a epasode in school and the bachoracted him in the hospital and peaceriver cause he said he wanted to hurt his teacher and himself crazy right he is a kid he called his teacher a ghost they took it the wrong way. so sence the trip its been a struggle with zandor he ran away 2 or so times had multipul rides home from the police started new theropy sessions and now is on meds which can be the most stressful to get him to take I feel bad he needs them I hate druging my kid but its what is nessasary I should have done it in 2008 but i felt i got this he dont need pills Well its hard for a mom to igmit she needs help with her kids.So he has been on meds for a month and is alot better dr just increased dosage for him he will start tomorrow.Cody also goes to the dr next week for meds and counsling he has anger issues put his fist up like he wants to hit me hell everyone disrespectful angry he is only 8 i wish i could take his pain from him what makes him so angry and mad.Bryanna lol she is just great mommy i want all day long spoiled anoying most of the time she is the doll dances sings taddles busy body. Glad to say all my kids graduated YAY Cody is in 3rd Zandor is in 2nd and bree is in k. Bryanna just had her 5th b day was a blast large slip and slide lots of fun Cant believe my kids are 8,7,5 im excited to see them grow cant believe ive been a mom for almost 10 years .on the next note My oven broke I wanted a different one anyway no propane this time so I baught a nice flat glass top on craigs list for 325 i believe It works great I can set timers for it to cook when i want it and end when im not here But I wouldnt do that Danger lol lol.I went to the lab corp yeaterday im going to try to do better with my labs and i did my mri also I see dr pan tuesday for results on my brain scan.We did decide at 12 months of chemo to continue to 18 months and see where do we go from there . Lets see what else took the kids to the library they loved it they have learned how to skate at the skate world with there dad a few times one time was there trip for graduating.My sister turned 32 this year took her to out back for lunch I didnt care for there food Mannys is so much better but we had a good time. The kids started a 2 hr session at the bethany c enter every week on tuesday they love it mom goes with me and we have our own councling sessions its fun. It gets lonely at home i guess Wish my husband could try to understand this whole thing that has happended he avoids the facts out loud denile more then i am i guess jusyt want my best friend back my sholder to cry on want it to be ok to cry and it not be a weakness but my expression. I get everyone has a life and things to do but I feel I lost mine on the journey i stoped in a way living and now i do the motions I just dont want to be remembered as weak anyless then who i was befor i got sick I have always been brave out going full of life full of heart and love funny spontanious forward helping hand sholder to lean on bitchy i guess a go getter opinionated demanding smart Its hard when ur memory changes my speed changes on proccesing and doing things but its still me the looks u get from people omg and being hot im always so hot i carry a fan everywhere i go sweating grrrr ... Guess im scared ..Well this year has def been a big year a great year .  I know i cant say thank u enough to the ones i love and who have prayed and been here fro me and my family on the whole journey But u know who u r and i love u and thank u . I wouldnt have gotton this far in my journey if it wasnt for thoses who where there emotionaly and physicaly. Well im going to get off here ill try to write more on here for my own records so i dont forget i have 3 kids who will see the dr in the morning for cleanings and a husband to pick up from work im excited cant wait to see how this weekend will go.GN.

1 comment:

  1. Hello I'm Nikki and am happy you are a survivor. I lost my sons father on 12/25/12 to ab oligoastrocytoma and hypertensive heart disease. He was 37 and diagnosed at 27 or so after a seizure. He was a deputy sheriff at the time he passed and had a seizure at work 4months prior. You are strong and a survivor. Keep taking one day at a time. I am also a hospice nurse in Cali. I just wanted to say hi and I wish you many years of comfort and symptom management. Take care.