Sunday, June 26, 2011

Alex birthday

Ok so today is my husbands 35th  birthday He slept till 4 pm and woke up ate and relaxed watched tv till 7 pm We went to pick up Zandor our son at my mothers and were going to go to dinner at dennys I have free dinner coupons Well he starts saying he wants to go to the movies so we drive around the theater we used to go to closed down so we go to another one there not playing anything good and we go to another one there closed to shut down grr...So Alex is stressed because he dont want to do anything for his birthday he is being sour about today.. I think he is feeling bad because he never does anything for me on my birthday..I am not big on hollidays they r always sad for me I always cry Alex never trys to do anything special for me. Anyway we went to the red box and got a movie,grabed dinner his fav a frisco burger for him and chinese for me and the kids. Not going all out but still tryed to make it special O and I got cupcakes and sang happy birthday as  he snaped at me to stop singing ...He is so angry and sad depressed snapping at the kids because they r chatting with me while the movie is on ,, Its like the world revolves around him..Im eating my dinner on the bed He finished eating  But im  still eating and he pulls the blanket not caring he is about to almost spil my plate.Im trying here I havent been yelling at him I have backed off ..I cant wait to start councling I hope he is willing and that it helps him and me..He was telling me for a min tonight that he cant handle me being sick , he was depressed befor I got sick and now he said its worse.I know this effects him and everyone around me but How do you think I feel im the one that is sick I have the tumor why does he get to shut down and be depressed and I have to suck up my feelings and act as if nothing is wrong..Im sick and he is the victum SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE !! I know im sick sometimes I want to just be alone its not possiable Im a mother and a wife.But alex is in his world he dont accept im sick and need him to step up and be here clean ,cook, brush the kids teeth, give them a bath,SOMETHING besides the computer ...Ive backed off of being agressive and demanding and yelling and snapping for 2 days now ,,that is great for me especially the way I have been feeling about him ....I still want him to leave I wonder why he is here He dont help me with my meds,appointments,bills,kids,slacks on house work, That should be me slacking cause im depressed ....I forget things alot these days maybe some is from the tumor maybe some is from the stress I dont know but I have notes everywhere saying what needs to be done or whats important I need someone to be with me know these things incase I forget or need help But he acts like the victume ....Why are you here Is my question for alex...Yes I love him its been 14 years us together I think we want different things I want more and its not items its emotional ..If im stressed enough he will help,but why does it have to get that far...Anyway I tried to give him a relaxed birthday and be kind He just dont see the bigger picture .  I need him to grow up or  get out I know that sounds bad But im sick I want to be happy dont like the kids seeing me so mad yelling...Why are you here is the main question I have for alex Why?

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