Dr Visit --6-23-2011

Picked up my mom and drove to the Moffitt..I did the blood work at 10:30 and MRI at 11:00 I cant stand the mri its to small I start to hyperventilate my arms rube the sides and go numb from being the circulation being cut off because the machine is to small for me. Im looking into an open mri  but I need a order from my primary DR but because they cancled my appointment we have never meet,they cant call in an order when they havent meet me.They said they can get me in around Aug..

So the dr at moffitt gave me something to relax me it helped..I did my mri  Doing blood work and mri's its just something i will never get used to .

Well I seen Dr Pan at 3 pm for my results and he said my tumor seems to not have grown and told me I should have started chemo last week Guess I messed up the dates but its ok Ill get back on track.
Guess im not feeling excited the way everyone else is about the tumor not growing Im just waiting on him to tell me it has grown im to scared to celebrate the fact it hasnt.

Bad news for me I have gained 48 pds in the past 5 months due to my meds im also retaining fluids like a sponge, My head has been hurting so bad lately the dr trippled one of my meds in hopes it will work and I can get off the staroids.

I got to spend the day with my mom. sucks it had to be at the r office for 9 hrs .....

I made a few phone calls yesterday 6-24-2011

I called the YMCA they offer a 12 week class for survivors with cancer free of charge I guess its bonding,chatting,working  out ,swiming  Im not so sure just yet but im excited to join, I have a interview on tuesday at 6 pm ..she said the kids can go into the kids room and play and Alex can join m if he likes.Also i contacted a grief counslor for my family so we can each talk about our feelings one on one with someone they will contact me sometime next week I hope they can help us.. This condition I have has effected us all in somany ways Its hard for me to talk about it without crying and being choked up,Alex is in deniel im sick at all he resents me for being sick,Cody will not talk about it at all tells me he is fine,Zandor has a need to understand and listen,and Bryanna just is sad im sick . It was so hard to pick up the phone yesterday and pour my heart out to these strangers asking them for help, My marriage is falling apart Ive been so angry ..Jennifer told me its not fair to myself ,the kids,or alex to kick him out of the house with out really trying  ...so I havent yelled at him in liike 24 hrs and im trying to get us help someone to talk to...

My daughter is in Tallahasee with her Aunt and 4 cousins she will be there for a couple weeks I miss her somuch  but Im happy she is having fun and growing as a individuale learning new things.

6-25-2011

Today is Alex b day he is 35...It is 2 pm and he is still in bed He thinks cause its his b day he can be left alone and stay in bed I tryed to explaine to him happy  b day but ur still a dad and husband there is still life to be lived...I want to yell at him and throw pillows but I know that wouldnt be a good thing sence I am trying to do better   Just wish he was trying to be better to.

I start my chemo on monday 6-27-2011 Im not looking forward to it Because im already tired and feeling weak and nausiated. this will be my fourth round of chemo I missed one month because I was sick.

I was cooking dinner last night Alex was making salad and Jennifer was helping and supervising us LOL well she puts on disney music from like lion king and mermaid blasting it while we cook It was great It reminded me when I was younger it was relaxing and filled me inside with joy Those are the moments I want to have more of..

My sister got a tea recipe from a cancer survivor and swears its a cure for cancer I guess we are going to try to make it Im not a liquid drinker I can take a pill but liquid EWWW but she feels so strongly about theis tea I will make it and drink it to givee her peace..these are the ingreadients but im not sure of the amount

guess im going to get ready to pick up Zandor from grandmas house He stayed the night last night and Cody the night befor they rotated Its going to pour badly so i guess I should try to go befor it does..

O I also have an appointment to get 2 wigs on tuesday for a fitting if my insurance dont cover the wigs they will give me them im not sure how it works But im going to try to get some wigs my hair isnt falling out like most people but im loosing a few strands a day my hair is getting thinner.. better to be ready then to not.

Ginger root

half Lemon

cinnamon sticks

Orange leaves washed well

Anisette (fennel )

brown sugar